On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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