so explain again why im purple
no
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
