just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
