Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
