Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
