this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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