The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
