its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
