4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
