you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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