is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
