Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
