If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
