he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
