I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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