me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
