based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
