I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
