Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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