Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
