I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
