She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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