So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
