I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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