and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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