i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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