happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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