I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
