i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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