It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
