she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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