Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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