Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
