I just pynch a tree in the face
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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