She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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