theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
