dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
