Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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