two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
