Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
