he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
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Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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