don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
