I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you would pick up someone in the library
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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