Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
