I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
