Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
