I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
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Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
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eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My penis needs a shock collar
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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