He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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