well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
