My hand turned me down
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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