Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
