Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
