I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
