I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
