please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
