i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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