A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
