Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
