dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
